Wyatt, you have just proven a theory that I have held for years, but have almost always been ridiculed for. That is, that Young Liberals are bloody hot. It gives me much joy to think that there is a young person in parliament, and even more joy that you’re attractive. I can’t wait for you to become Leader of the Opposition next year. Man, the girls in Canberra are going to go wild for you, just you wait and see. Everyone is going to want to see the Member for Longman. Yeah, you know what I’m talking about…
In honour of your success, I hereby dedicate this piece of prose to you.
Of all the political choices one can subscribe to, declaring oneself a Liberal voter, or worse still, a Liberal party member, opens one up to the greatest quantity of abuse; and crude, unsophisticated abuse at that. Those socialist-sympathising journalistic scum that make up “the media” in particular are not kind to conservatives. But if you can’t respect a Liberal for their policy opinions, you can at least appreciate them as human beings. Particularly fine specimens of humanity, in fact. Because, let’s face it, Young Liberals are sexy.
There’s just no competition. A Young Liberal embodies a winning combination of impeccable personal hygiene, excellent fashion sense and BMW ownership. When he takes you to the movies, you know you’ll get there on time and in style. By contrast, dating lefty boys means sitting on a late bus stuck in traffic, wondering whether that smell is coming from your lank-haired communist-sympathiser date, trying to remember if there’s enough money in your purse to pay for a movie ticket and a beer, because goodness knows you’ll need a drink to even contemplate going back with him to his grotty sharehouse or, even more likely, his parent’s place.
Not only will a Young Liberal ensure you get well and truly tanked on champagne before he invites you back to his harbour-view, interior-designed love nest, he will look after your welfare by making sure the bubbly is accompanied by a three-course meal at one of the best restaurants in the city. And let’s be honest, ladies, this is no less than you deserve.
Because there is a secret, a very well-kept secret about Young Liberals, that you need to know, and the knowing may change your life. The secret is this: Young Liberal boys are completely heterosexual. Completely. And as a consequence, they can only date girls of the opposite political persuasion.
That’s right – take any random Green-voting young woman from Petersham and line her up against twenty of Wentworth’s finest bachelorettes and you will see the Young Lib men choose the radical she-rat every single time. Sadly, just as third-world poverty is the inevitable consequence of upper-middle class living standards in first world countries, Young Liberal woman are the unfortunate consequence of the unsustainably high levels of sexiness accumulated in Young Liberal men. These horrible, twisted creatures really ought to be permanently quarantined inside a charity gala in order to protect the public from their incessant moans of “Can’t we take the coupe?” and “Are we going to Doyles again?” Lefty girls, by contrast, appreciate luxury and are properly grateful for the small things in life, like air-conditioning and all-leather German interiors.
But not only is dating lefty chicks a biological imperative for Young Liberal males, it’s also a party imperative. Once a lefty woman has had a taste of the finer things in life (or “the dark side” as she will tend to refer to it until, on average, the second cocktail), she can never go back to her ideals.
It’s not that a Young Liberal man wants you to become conservative – remember, he’s hetro through and through – but he would really, really love to turn you into a swinging voter. That way he can seduce you, over and over again, every election, keeping your relationship fresh and exciting. He doesn’t want to buy you, oh no, just give you little presents, like chocolates, or a tax break, enough to make you feel appreciated without suggesting your vote is for sale. That way, when you give yourself to him, you know it’s because, deep down, you’re both nice, intelligent people who only want what’s best for this country. It’s a great deal, baby. That’s $20 a week extra in your pay packet after tax, and a very good thing for the national fertility rate.
Go to it, kids, and good luck!